ifonlywefartflowers

ifonlywefartflowers

Friday, 2 March 2018

Nobody deserves sexual assault.



I don’t usually chime in on serious issues but I’ve feeling so unsettled over recent news about assault cases (including one back home about an actor), and I felt I cannot just stand by and do nothing.

While I’m thankful that I’ve never encountered anything close to this, I have friends who have told me similar stories and as a girl, their stories break my heart. What has been frustrating me the most are some of the comments I've seen on the internet, and I just wanna take a moment to talk about some of them:


1. “Why don’t they just report to the police immediately? Why wait so many years? Must be fake.”

I know friends who have told their parents immediately, and sometimes you’d think the ones who gave birth to you, brought you up, loved you and fed you would side you, but for many of these parents, they tell their child not to speak about it, because if they go public about their daughter's rape, they will feel like they will have to live the rest of their lives in shame.

Imagine the betrayal. If your own parents don't believe you, why would the police?

Sometimes girls they do report it immediately to authorities, but you don't know because sometimes even the authorities cover it up. (Re: Larry Nassar Assault Case, if you've the time to read)

Also, sometimes the abuser normalizes it, and makes you feel it’s not something you should report.

Sometimes it happens with no witnesses and no proof. Put yourself in the girl's shoes, won't you too feel like no one is gonna believe you? (especially when there are a few women who have screwed it up for the rest of the world by really crying wolf.)

It’s not so simple y'all.


2. “How do you know the text messages are not fabricated?”

Lies are never fabricated to such level of detail.

When someone’s able to provide such acute details, they are most likely telling the truth.

And I recognize the truth of what all these girls say because they are willing to expose their vulnerabilities, including actions they regret as well, such as going back to meet him etc. (I mean why leave room for people to point fingers at you if your goal is to paint a false story right? If I wanted to make something up I'd make sure I looked like a saint pls)

Which leads me to the next question, the most controversial comment about one particular story.


3. “Why did the girl keep going back to his hse?"

This is possibly the biggest point of attack I’ve been seeing, which is basically, translated, “She deserved it.”

No, nobody deserves sexual assault.

But why did she keep going back? Well, I'm sure there are a ton of reasons. Judging from the story, it seems that said actor made her feel he was interested in her, feel that they were starting to “date” (explains why she got upset learning abt other girls too, because she realized she was simply being used), so each time, she gave in, because she was made to feel that this could perhaps lead to a relationship.

Maybe she was starstruck, or that someone famous desired her. I don't know.

But whatever the case, I am for sure that she kept going back because she hoped that he'll change, that he'll eventually love her.
Because NOBODY goes back to a bad place without the hope that things are going to get better.

So yes it sounds like she did something stupid, and we've all made stupid decisions that we regret later on, but her bad decisions don't make him any less of a rapist.

And to all the people who make it sound like it’s so easy to just “not go back”,

good for you.

Good for you that you never made any emotionally-driven decision. Good for you that you had good upbringing. Good for you that you've never had to grow up in brokenness and confusion that affects your esteem, and makes you desperate for love and acceptance. Good for you, but don't use it to beat someone else down. But if you look back now and recall a time where you did go through this, then I implore you to judge less, and empathize more.

I, for one, also feel that in this point in my life, will find it easy to never return in that situation, but I cannot say the same about a much younger teenage me, who was confused and possibly very easily manipulated.

In fact, growing up as a girl, there were a ton of things that are far more "easy" to do.

It was easy to look at perfect and beautiful supermodels, then look at ourselves and not feel pretty enough.
It was easy to watch movies where most female characters’ goal in life is to get the perfect guy, then look at our lives and not feel fulfilled enough.
It was easy to look at friends around us having lots of guys fawning over them, then looking at our own lives and not feel wanted enough.

And many abusers prey on those insecurities, those vulnerabilities, to get a girl to comply even when they don’t want to. It breaks my heart to see that and because I know there are some really young girls reading this, I pray that someday come to learn this, just like how I did half a decade ago:

You are loved, and you are valuable. 


You don't need validation from anyone, or any guy for that matter.

You are pretty not because a guy says so, but because you are your Creator's masterpiece.
You are fulfilled not because you have a guy in your life, but because you are able to do whatever you set your mind to.
You are wanted not because a guy is interested in you, but because God so loved you He sent his son to die for you.

I hope you understand this someday, and have the courage to run away from anything less.


---

Aside to actor:

If make you are truly a Christian as you claim to be, I hope you know - and I hate to say this - that Jesus loves you with no conditions despite all the crap that you’ve done. I’ll leave you with a portion of what Rachel Denhollander said in her impact statement:


"If you have read the Bible you carry, you know the definition of sacrificial love portrayed is of God himself loving so sacrificially that he gave up everything to pay a penalty for the sin he did not commit. By his grace, I, too, choose to love this way. 

You spoke of praying for forgiveness. But Larry, if you have read the Bible you carry, you know forgiveness does not come from doing good things, as if good deeds can erase what you have done. It comes from repentance which requires facing and acknowledging the truth about what you have done in all of its utter depravity and horror without mitigation, without excuse, without acting as if good deeds can erase what you have seen this courtroom today.


If the Bible you carry says it is better for a stone to be thrown around your neck and you throw into a lake than for you to make even one child stumble. And you have damaged hundreds.

The Bible you speak carries a final judgment where all of God's wrath and eternal terror is poured out on men like you. Should you ever reach the point of truly facing what you have done, the guilt will be crushing. And that is what makes the gospel of Christ so sweet. Because it extends grace and hope and mercy where none should be found. And it will be there for you. 


I pray you experience the soul crushing weight of guilt so you may someday experience true repentance and true forgiveness from God, which you need far more than forgiveness from me -- though I extend that to you as well."